What is the Internet?

In·ter·net/ˈin(t)ərˌnet/noun

  1. a global computer network providing a variety of information and communication facilities, consisting of interconnected networks using standardized communication protocols.

Pffft! Not even close. Computers are irrelevant; the internet is humankind’s most recent attempt to collect information and misinformation (90% the latter). Or, the internet is cats’ attempt to exert influence over humanity, rather successfully. Maybe the internet is a kind of sympathetic magic–a primitive, unconscious attempt to fashion an idol of the holograph or simulation we perceive as our universe. Or, the internet is only another human invention (there have been many) to distract ourselves from such outmoded principles as sustenance, family and community. Perhaps it’s simply an artifact of humanity’s need to make simple tasks complicated, in Rube Goldberg fashion. Certainly, it is the ultimate expression of the innate narcissism of Homo Sapiens as evidenced by the billions of selfies, blogs like this one, egosurfing, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Okay, so I don’t know shit about what the internet is. But, I sure as hell know more than all the dictionary publishers, and likely you know better than I. Go ahead and chime in below. What the fuck is the internet?

Hello, World!

Why? Why is this the first phrase kids are taught to make a computer output in programming class? (I’m sorry, we call it “coding” now … oooh la la!) “Hello, World!” or some form thereof has been around since at least 1972. While I’m sure the phrase inspired awe back then, it has staled with time. Aside from a rebel desire to break from tradition and the delightful overthrow of the TTHW metric, there is a crystal clear reason to make a change: to make kids actually want to keep going after they have cleared the TTHW hurdle! I offer some admittedly subpar suggestions below, but the real fun is seeing what YOU think kids should be taught to compel a digital servant to display as their first programming exercise.

  • “Hail your new Emperor!”
  • “Electrons are my bitch!”
  • “All your porn are belong to us!”
  • “I need a hall pass to go output.”
  • “Digital purgatory is infinite recursion!”
  • “Chocolate chip pancakes!” (for the less precocious children)